PRESIDENT'S CALL TO POPE BENEDICT XVI SHARING BRILLIANT INSIGHTS ON PLACATING EVIL, SUBHUMAN MUSLAMOID TRASH
White House Switchboard Transcript
[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]
(Ringing.)
BENEDICT XVI: Ja?
THE PRESIDENT: That you, Scat-Finger? It's me, George W. Bush.
BENEDICT XVI: Ja! Tank you for returning my call, Miztur Prezident.
THE PRESIDENT: Well, I heard you're having a little tiff with them loonybird Moohammed-lovers. That true?
BENEDICT XVI: Ja! Zis iz true! Apparently, zey iz not liking it ven zey iz called ze "evil" und ze "inhuman"!
Zey say zey iz going to cruzify ze Pope! Und ze Pope iz very, very vorried!
THE PRESIDENT: (Laughs.) Yeah, them fellers can get real touchy sometimes – especially when folks torture,
humiliate and subjugate them – or point out all the batshit violent stuff in that "Coor-Anne" book of theirs.
BENEDICT XVI: But vy iz zis? Iz right zere on ze pages of zere book!
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THE PRESIDENT: Beats me, but I'm guessing it's kinda like when when us McJesus guys get all pissy when
anyone dares to laugh at all the ridiculous shit in the Bible.
BENEDICT XVI: But zis iz ze BIBLE, und ze Bible iz ze vord of God!
THE PRESIDENT: Yeah, well me and you know that. But those stupid Islammostanians, well, a long time ago they
went and let themselves get brainwashed by some sandal-wearing huckster with a messiah complex, if you can
imagine anything as dumb as that. He told them he wanted his book to always be #1 on Amazon.com, and that anyone
who didn't believe every word he said would burn in Hell. Psycho-crazy stuff, right?
BENEDITC XVI: Ja! Zey is ze totally bonkers! Und zey made me so scared, I vaz apologizing und apologizing
again und again, but ze Mooselums iz still vanting to kill me!
THE PRESIDENT: Well that was your first mistake right there,
Scat-Finger. If there's one thing that A-rabs and me agree on, it's
that apologizing is for pussies. And if you're a swishy old virgin who
prances around in red Prada clogs, a white dress and gold jewelry, you
can't really afford to be doing anything that makes you look even more
pussyish, you hear?
BENEDICT XVI: Ja. So vat iz it zat I must do?
THE PRESIDENT: Well, luckily, it's easy to keep those gas jockeys in line. First thing you do is load up your
Stealth Bombers with a few – start with ten thousand – JDAMs and bunker-busters. Then you–
BENEDICT XVI: Und you vill be zending zese to me?
THE PRESIDENT: Huh?
BENEDICT XVI: Ze bomber und ze bombs?
THE PRESIDENT: You mean you don't have those?
BENEDICT XVI: Nein!
THE PRESIDENT: Oh. Well... then you'd better mobilize at least 100,000
troops for an invasion force. You've got that, right?
BENEDICT XVI: Nein. (Sniffs.)
THE PRESIDENT: Yeesh. OK, then shelve the offense and focus on defense. You'll want to surround your
headquarters with at least two battalions of Marines with M-16s and Stinger RPGs. Tell them to kill anything that–
BENEDICT: Nein! Ze Vatican does not have ze Marines, eizer. Only ze Sviss guards! (Whimpers.)
THE PRESIDENT: Wha? Who? Wait – are you telling me that the only thing standing between you and assassination
by bloodthirsty Allah freaks is a few dozen swishy faggots in striped clown suits?
BENEDICT XVI: Ja! (Sobs softly.)
THE PRESIDENT: (Laughs.) Oh man, you are fucked.
Tell you what, I'll think about this some more and call you later.
BENEDICT XVI: But vait! Vait! Zey vant to KILL ME! Vat am I going to do???
PRESIDENT: Watch your back, Scat-Finger.
(Click.)
[END TRANSCRIPT]
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